Devonne Brown

It’s time to get more aggressive about the life that I want. I’ve already decided what life I don’t want. I decided years ago that I wanted out of teaching. Retirement is within my reach. I called the retirement board and found that I was eligible for retirement six years ago, but it was financially out of reach. Now that I’m actually making a living wage, I am loath to lose a huge chunk of my income.

Though I have debts and doubts, I am still thinking of taking the leap into a chapter of my life I know nothing about. This life change I am thinking about. I am not going blind into this unknown like I went into child rearing in England. 

I have phone calls to make and people to discuss options with. I have finances to talk about, living arrangements to maintain, entertainment to consider, books to write and figure out how to sell. I’m making plans, setting goals. 

There are surgeries I have to have. My hernia, my nose job, my bones. My physical complaints have to be addressed and I’m doing those things now. 

I am aggressive about the life I want to live. I’m arranging my classes in a way that I can stand them. Running them in a way that suits me, whether the kids like them or not. According to the curriculum, they have a prescription for success that they need to follow. Most of them aren’t doing that without my cajoling and borderline bullying. I hate that about myself. 

It’s not fun redirecting a shouting, squirming, student who falls out of his seat fifteen times an hour to distract and show off for the rest of the class. It’s not my idea of fun to stop trash talk in the middle of a lesson because a mentally challenged student can’t read and won’t accept help. 

In addition to the mental challenges, there are physical issues as well. Pestilence is rampant in public schools. Bedbugs and other vermin crawl and infest the kids and could infest me. I want to get away from them as well as the nonsense of my students. My head itches just thinking about it. 

Yes, indeed, it’s time I got aggressive about living the life I want by changing the life I have. I’m tired of this shit. I’ve put up with it for forty years, and enough is enough. I’m tired all over. Even if I have to substitute a day here and a day there to supplement my income, I might. At least my responsibilities will end, and I can pick and choose where I want to be.