Devonne Brown

The words are still true, ““The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation” by Henry David Thoreau, a Transcendentalist philosopher from late 1880’s, like anybody cares these days.

I need a break from everybody’s racing head and anxiety, including mine.

Depression and anxiety are rampant these days. I was introduced to the band, the Avett Brothers, not too long ago. They have the most realistic song I have ever heard called, “True Sadness.” It says that “no one is fine. Take the time to peel a few layers and you will find true sadness.”

People have secrets, big ones that are never to be spoken with anyone, not a shrink, not a doctor, not even a best friend. They will never be uttered. They make us crazy because they are always with us.

“How are you?” We ask every time we see a friend’s face.

“Fine, thanks,” they say. Isn’t it sad that most of us begin the day with a lie?

Clandestine goings on that not even wives and husbands and children tell their spouses or parents. Bankruptcies, abortions, and beatings, do I dare say affairs?  Hush-hush purchases are made and hidden, sometimes in plain sight.  Parents have no idea what they do not know about their kids. 

People don’t talk about their private misery. A dear friend of mine is a caretaker who faces the longest day everyday. What if his charge forgets to fry the egg in the pan with the bacon grease on high while the caretaker picks up groceries? The caretaker gets screamed at because the kitchen caught fire. He would have had a long and stressful evening to say the least.

When my feet hit the floor in the morning, my anxiety peaks. I have to run, literally, to take my meds before I am doubled over with sobs of anxiety, racing thoughts, and hopelessness, fear, regret, worry, and everything that’s ever been my fault. I’m usually too late, but the meds shorten the duration of the dreaded event. 

I think of my son who’s inherited my anxiety and depression, along with the racing head. I had a video chat with him today. He was in tears in the fetal position.

What must it be like to wake up and be normal and happy? What must it be like to smile, have it reach my eyes, and mean it? What must it be like to enjoy the company of people, to really laugh without the help of legal or illegal substances? 

We need a break from this heavy shit. We need joy in our lives.