Devonne Brown

It’s been said that panty hose are making a comeback. For me, they’d never left. I felt undressed without panty hose on. I need that filter to hide the varicose veins, bruises, and stray hairs that cover my legs no matter how close I thought I shaved. They tend to offer a gentle shaping to my legs too. That fake feel of silk makes me think I’m sexy, especially if I’ve just shaved my legs. 

I’m a big girl with big thighs. Panty hose protects me from chafing. Of course I wear shorts or leggings under summer dresses anyway, but they don’t give that filtered smoothness to my ankles and feet that panty hose do. They do pose a problem. 

My sharp toenails cause them to run. I have been known to put bandaids on all of my toes to protect my panty hose from my toes. Sometimes I’ve been known to wear socks underneath them. I have even cut the feet out of other panty hose to put on my feet to protect fresh panty hose from my jagged toenails. Panty hose don’t last long for me. 

Panty hose have the tendency to drop at the crotch when you walk. My mom taught me to wear an extra pair of panties over them to prevent that from happening. It takes a little extra time in the bathroom to get all the layers aligned right again, but the results are worth the effort. At least I don’t have to wear those Spanx things to hold me in place when I wear panty hose and extra underwear. Nothing moves.

I do have a pair of black tights that are about fifteen years old, maybe older, that I wish panty hose had the recipe for. They’ve never run, they fit perfectly, and I can put them in the washer and dryer. They don’t even fall down. These suckers may just be made out of kryptonite. They are not delicate, but opaque. I wear them in the fall and winter with dresses and jumpers. They’re perfect for teacher outfits. I believe they came from the drugstore too. 

My legs look much better in panty hose when I wear my dresses in fall and winter. In summer, I’ll get a tan and wear sandals with leggings under my dress and pretend like I’m exotic. Maybe I’ll just pull on my jeans and forget the whole thing. Who am I trying to impress anyway?