Devonne Brown

Make Mistakes

The acronym for Math is Mistakes Allow Thinking to Happen. Because of the mistakes I’ve made in my life, I am the wisest woman in the country, not the world though, I have not experienced war. I’ve thought about it, and don’t want to go through it. I know it’s coming to this part of the country, but I hope I’ll be dead before it gets here. I’m not good with hardship. My character is a bit weak when it comes to strength. All that stuff about that which doesn’t kill  me makes me stronger hasn’t really worked for me. It’s given me a good bit of paranoia and a healthy case of PTSD.

In the classes I teach, some students still push my buttons about a quarter of the time. If I tell them “No” for some reason, the backtalk begins. It’s easier to let everyone do whatever they want. I have a camera watching my classroom door. Traffic coming and going from my room is frowned upon. It’s either battles or the bathroom. When I say battles, I mean screaming full class involvement in some kind of stupid howling. School rules wear me out.

What have I learned from my mistakes with my boys? Give them more chores than they need. Keep them busier than they ever dreamed from the time they could walk until their visits today. Structure is what kids crave. All humans crave routine and sameness even in the midst of chaos. It’s like running to base when everybody was a kid playing tag, it was a safe place where we made “it.” The one who chased everybody, who had the magic touch that turned the unfortunate one who received the tap to the “it” status. They had to chase everyone then. It was over when somebody got too tired or bored and called it over.

Grown up mistakes? A marriage everybody but me wanted. My family, his family, him, and our co-workers wanted to put on a wedding. How can you say “no” to that many people? You can’t. You can work up the courage to ask for a divorce eighteen months later when you think you might explode. I didn’t learn y lol. I got married ten years later. Had twins. Left him eighteen months later with the twins. I guess I learned not to marry someone you’re not in love with?

The other mistakes I’ve made I need to keep secret. They’re still raw and pretty painful. One day maybe I’ll be able to explain what I’m learning, maybe on my deathbed. Maybe they won’t be important then. But Heinlein said in the Notebooks of Lazarus Long, “When the ship lifts, all debts are paid. No exceptions.”