Devonne Brown

Moses, or one of those Bible dudes, had a temper tantrum because his leadership skills were doubted so he threw those stone tablets with the Ten Commandments written by the Almighty down on the ground minutes after he got to the foot of the mountain. The masses down there  didn’t want to give up the golden idols they had worshiped so long and hard. I can’t say I blamed them. They’d worked themselves up into a frenzy creating Bael, Beelzebub, and Beetlejuice, and they were pissed to say the least. These folks were certain the consequences for making three gods angry were dire, let alone the whole lot they’d conjured up. Besides, they’d spent a long time and a whole bunch of labor finding and sculpting those images in the likenesses they’d determined each one to be out of gold. 

One God was just too much to comprehend. It blew their ever lovin’ minds. Besides, His name, said “Moses, or whatever dude climbed that mountain,” was merely a placeholder. “The Lord’s as the dude said, real name was never to be spoken, his image was a mystery as well, and He was supposed to have an illegitimate Son to come to the world to forgive everybody, it just got better and better. And, get this, Moses, or some Biblical dude, had the audacity to announce to these folks that they were going to be sent to the desert to wander aimlessly for God knows how long and leave the security of slavery and pyramid building to wander endlessly to find a promised land with mild and honey all over the place. Holy shit, what a plan.

After Moses, or whoever, fixed the tablets together again, most of the bottom of the hill folks lost their minds over all the “Thou shalt nots.” It was a day of grand confusion, not a pretty day at all. The first comedian was born that day. 

It got even better.When Moses, or whoever it was that went up on that hill, God told him he had to set his kid on fire, which he did. A collective gasp loud enough enough to be heard around their meager world went up to all their golden gods and bounced back and forth throughout the land, several times. When he told them God didn’t let the fire hurt the kid, the crowd had had enough. Moses, or whomever the Bible dude it was that went up the mountain, had to be crazy, crazier than a bed bug. 

One of the “Thou shall nots” said not to kill; they decided they might as well do it anyway, but Moses, that wild man, parted a sea and took off like a shot and those folks at the foot of the mountain decided it might be a good idea to follow along. Pyramids be damned.